Dearest, You

I've realized as I grow up that I sabotage myself a lot.  It started (as far as I know) with my first blog. It was a little diary style blog hosted on WordPress. On it, I wrote about stressful home situations, my outfits, poetry and anything else I found entertaining. I don't know how it happened but I amassed over 200+ followers on it by the time I deleted it. I had a couple of blogger friends and the support from my followers was amazing. It was something to keep myself sane in the midst of all that was happening in life.

At some point, life got too much for me to handle.  I was losing pleasure in all that once made me happy. I was unmotivated, fatigued, sad for no reason, etc...

I couldn't shake myself out of it, so I did the only thing that I thought would give me some form of relief. I deleted my blog permanently. Stopped writing altogether and sort of just ... existed.

That pattern followed me into adulthood. I ruined everything that made me happy.  I will create a blog, just to delete it when I got sad. I would delete all my social media platforms when I start growing just because I got sad. I would purposely be mean to my friends as bait for them to cut me out of their lives, just because I got sad.  I couldn't understand why I was behaving that way for the longest time. I believe now that It's just my sense of worthlessness. I feel worthless a lot of the time. Especially when I get sad. I start thinking I don't deserve happiness or the people in my life.  I'm afraid that I'm not going to amount to anything. And why would I when I sabotage myself at any given chance.

As I write this, I'm sitting on a couch stippled with gray in my friend's home. I've just gone through a series of questions from her parents which I expected as it was my first time meeting them. What made me reflect on my life and where I am right now is her father's comments about me not doing " anything". He was referring to me informing him that I was not in school as of now. I told him that I was working and saving money before I "return" to college in an effort to redeem myself. The truth is that I don't have a job right now nor did I ever attend college. I hate lying. I hate it with all my being but I find that I do it a lot when it comes to adults questioning me about college. When I tell the truth, I am shamed both by myself and them. And it might not come from their lips but I always detect the disappointment in their tones. Especially the African dads.

I'm not certain about a lot in my life but the one thing I am certain about is that I'm never going to be a doctor. And that's the all-star job title for African parents. It's difficult for them to accept anything less.  The reason I came to America was to meet my dad but most importantly to become someone my mom could be proud of.  Someone I could be proud of.  But I'm nowhere near who I want to be.

I wish I was one of those kids that knew exactly what they wanted to be when they were kids.  That would make life so much easier. I could live life according to that.  As much As I hate routine, I wish someone could plan my life to the very last detail so I could follow it. I feel like such a failure because I don't have it all together yet.


I try to convince myself to go at my own pace and not compare where I am in life with others.  But occurrences like these bring back the insecurities, doubt, and loss I suppress.

I'm aware of the fact that I don't have to go to college to make something of myself. A lot of people have become millionaires without ever going to college. They had a drive. They didn't just sit around waiting for something to happen. They went out and went after their dreams.  But what scares me is the fact that I don't really have a definitive dream to go after. I have a lot I want to do but I don't know how to narrow it down. I will be successful someday. I know I will.

I just hope to get my shit together before I become the lonely cat lady. Cliche I know but It's not being alone that I fear. It's the cats.



ON SABOTAGING ONESELF

Dearest, You I've realized as I grow up that I sabotage myself a lot.  It started (as far as I know) with my first blog. It wa...
13.7.19
SUNDAY, June 30th   10:42 am
Cheers to summer adventures

Dearest You,
Yesterday , My friend faith and I met up for a fun summer adventure. We embarked on a journey to a cute cafe near her neighborhood in the scorching heat. It was a little over 79 degrees, and the walk itself seemed impossible. Thankfully, faith persisted on us carrying water bottle filled with ice before we left the house. Not to get dramatic, but it practically saved our lives. 

We arrived at the cafe eventually after what seemed like forever & everything seemed worth it. It was surrounded by mini plants and was as millennial classified : aesthetic. 

We chit chatted about everything& nothing as we enjoyed our Lattes & hot chocolates. With sides of lemon scones and almond croissants of course. But that wasn't before we took an abundance of pictures. In the midst of everything, we decided to splurge and order from the brunch menu. After all , we haven't eaten anything all morning.  The rest of the day was spent taking photos of each other, watching "Gossip Girl"and enjoying each other's company.
Ps. Also got to premiere my new everyday purse. I got it from a little consignment store in the city. It's a  Brighton Patent leather wallet/cross body. Originally twenty-two dollars but I got it at the discounted price of $5.50. A total steal.
cheers to more little adventures,

Cute cafes & summer adventures

SUNDAY, June 30th   10:42 am Cheers to summer adventures Dearest You, Yesterday , My friend faith and I met up for a fun su...
2.7.19

Dearest you, 

In the midst of may, my girlfriends and I had a 3 day long sleepover.  It was a last gathering of some sort as all of us were moving on from our current lives and doing "big girl things".  Some were traveling to their motherlands in Africa for the summer. Some were to study abroad in the fall. Some moving to different states etc...

As alcohol ran through our bodies and slowly intoxicated us, we began talking about various topics. Some of utter importance and most-utter bullshit. 
The topic of virginity came up. They debated. I sat in my sit as quiet as a mouse, listening sometimes throwing in a laugh here and there. The truth is, I had no opinion of substance on the subject as I have never ummm.. participated in such activities and naughtiness.  But I felt it was important for me to listen anyhow as I might learn something. And can I just say...*mind blown*

Two things I've always heard about losing your virginity was that 
One: It hurts like hell 
Two: you bleed.
The reason you bleed is probably because there wasn't enough foreplay. period. because they weren't stimulating you enough period - DJALINA .T

My friend exclaims with so much attitude and certainty that I couldn't help but think about it days later. All these years of believing and dreading my first time because of the pain and blood, could be fixed just by stimulation?

Another friend jump in and pointed out that for her, having sex for the first time was just that- The first time. For her it wasn't a lost of anything but a gain. A new experience.  And with that we went on to talk about the many ways that women and men treated sex and virginity.  From what I've gathered in the films that I've watched over the years, sex seems to be a man's sport. I've noticed that it was mostly about the pleasure of the man as opposed to both partners enjoying themselves. The man almost always disregards the woman's need as soon as they get "off". In turn leaving the woman looking frustrated and unsatisfied. But when the woman insists on getting "off" too, it is seen as selfish.

I don't constantly think about the fact that I am a virgin at 20. Of course the fear of dying a virgin comes to mind once in a while and I freak out a little. But the thing I'm learning as I grow up is to go at my own pace. I can't compare my accomplishments, where i am in my life and definitely not my sex life ( or lack there of ) to my friends or anybody else because we're not the same. I sometimes have the impulse to just "do it" with a random guy just to get it over with, but ultimately i know that deep down that's not me. I need to have a connection and a stable foundation with a guy before proceeding to be intimate with them. I am scare of even looking them( guys, especially really cute ones)  in the eyes for God sake, so I can't even imagine myself that way with just anybody.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with one night stands or casual sex. I think it's rather empowering.
images provided by Tumblr

I know that when it does happen, it will be the right time for me. And it would be wonderful because I am ready and I truly love the person. whatever that means anyways.

What did you think about all the points that were mentioned. Do you agree? Disagree? lmk

ps. I've attached a little gift for you. 

GO IN RAW- A look into virginty

Dearest you,  In the midst of may, my girlfriends and I had a 3 day long sleepover.  It was a last gathering of some sort as all of ...
28.6.19

Dearest you,

I've always had the urge to re-create the classic blue jeans and white shirt look for as long as I can remember. It just always look so effortless, chic and elegant. For some obscure reason , I never really had a white t-shirt or the right wash of jeans in my closet. All that changed one night, after endlessly scrolling through Bershka for about the fifth time that week. I came across a little sleeveless ribbed shirt and although I've always pictured a silky blouse, I couldn't help but gravitate towards it.  I made a purchase a couple days later.
water resistant work shoes

On the scorching afternoon heat of June seventh, my friend Faith and I made plans to have a photo shoot. She came over to my place as a effort to change scenery and we spent a little over thirty minutes catching up. We informed each other of our whereabouts for the week as we waited for her camera battery to charge. We headed outside to commence the shoot but soon realized that the memory card was a no show.  We laughed off the silly mistake as we waited for our taxi. So much for a change of scenery huh?



The sun was playing its usual game of hide and seek as we hurried to get ready. It wasn't long before we were outside posing and playing with camera settings. We shot up to two looks that day in three different locations. To say luck fiercely stood beside us that afternoon would be an understatement. We rewarded ourselves with fruity Popsicle's as we went back in to review our work.


I ended up spending the weekend, content on what we were able to achieve. Overall it was a weekend well spent.  Overall I loved the way I styled the look. The jean jacket was thrift-ed at buffalo exchange over three months before and the mom jeans had been with me for over two years now. I felt like a greaser in the "Outsiders".
Jean Jacket- Thrift ITEM
EDITED : Faith&Ayele
Photography : FAITH
Styling :  Ayele/ Yours Truly
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Every day I have the blues// THE CLASSIC LOOK

Dearest you, I've always had the urge to re-create the classic blue jeans and white shirt look for as long as I can remember...
25.6.19

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